Spontaneous video while taking a break from thinking and worrying about thesis.
I’ve said it. Not everything I thought of but he listened and will listen if I ever blurt other things out next time. Here’s another person who’s okay with me blurting out anything. I couldn’t say I love you because it would hurt and it’s initially very difficult to say. I said a lot of probably cheesy things but he’s heard more before but from a lot of different and from more extraordinary people. I’m not only not his type but I’m also just very ordinary or unexciting. He has words for his feelings and thoughts regarding me. He didn’t say it but he also didn’t say otherwise.
Why say it? Not because the human person wants affection and love to be pronounced not just shown. Not because I wanted to know what would happen. Not because I wanted anything to happen. I wanted to say it to get on with the projects I have to work on but when I tried to work after confessing I just went back to thinking about him. I wanted to say all the things I thought about, maybe to change his mind. I was trying to say, I thought about you for a long time, please think about me too. Please like me too. He listened to me and he said he appreciated that I didn’t want to ruin or risk the friendship. I forgot the exact words. But I know he told me that love isn’t destructive.
He went on to talk about other things and I wanted to bring him back to the topic. My feelings. I didn’t say that I loved him, I probably indirectly said I had a crush on him and I unconsciously wanted to be with him. I said that I liked him even before we hung out so much or before he opened up to me. I asked him to respond to what I said. To say that I was weird but he just said I was normal and everyone else was weird.
I know he has a lot of masks. I think anyone would notice but I can’t help wishing that even though it’s hard to let someone be a part of your life, I want him to want me to be that. I would ask him to be honest and come clean about his feelings and say he does have feelings for me. Wake up call needed cause we don’t get the endings we think of in day dreams.
I said it already and everything went back to normal. There was some time we didn’t talk but I don’t think he was thinking. I think he was trying to talk himself into not sleeping. I don’t want things to be back to normal.
There were times where I thought that he was weak but I saw the kind of weakness a lot of people posses. Not just because you’re weak towards or about something, you’re already weak and that’s it. He’s pretty strong, insightful, persevering or driven, and careful. That’s just talking as an observer and not a very close friend. Friend. I finally know what I want which I forgot to say. Aside from wanting to hold hand or hug without being conscious. I just really want to him to like me back. I wonder how people get over these things.
I now know that feeling you get when you can’t have what you thought you would get. I’m an only child and though my dad didn’t want me to be spoiled I think I ended up focusing so much on what I want to happen that I don’t care about what other people think about. I like getting what I want and it was weird for me to have nothing progress. At the same time though, I have to remember the fear of losing him that kept me from saying anything. I didn’t lose him and I’m luckier than others.
I wrote a script about the things I was supposed to say but I didn’t read it out loud. I used it as a reference for when I thought I hadn’t said enough. There still lots I didn’t say but who wants to hear all of that anyway? My voice didn’t shake. Their was a lot of things laid out and mentioned to lay the foundation for the confession which felt more like a part of a very lengthy conversation that started late in the afternoon.
I said most of the things I’ve wanted to be honest about. Like I don’t like how he speaks in english. Actually I feel that his voice is more powerful when he speaks in tagalog. I told a few people about him and I talked to them about my feelings but I just wanted to tell him personally. I have one problem though, I like to say things. I like it when other people know what I think of or what I think of when I think of them. How is confessing going to be special if it’s so easy for me to go through with them? I just think that the harder it is to do, the more special it is. The want to just get things over with gets the best of me.
I’m not broken hearted. I’m more struck with how the moment wasn’t all I imagined it to be. I laughed and it all started weird cause I couldn’t get myself together. When I finally stopped making a lot of distracting comments, I started to just tell stories. Stories that basically said that I thought about him a lot. My voice didn’t crack, and neck didn’t shake, and my pulse didn’t race.
I know this was different. I swear. Now the challenge is to stay friends and spend time together knowing that whatever I do, I won’t have a chance. I’m not going to court him because there was an unspoken rejection and I don’t want it to surface with audio. I tried to hold back mentions about relationships. I didn’t want to get ahead of things in person, like I do inside of my head. I wanted to be sincere but careful. I wanted to be honest without looking too stupid.People who are used to confessions are normal people until you see how they handle these things, then they become a bit more of an experienced human being who’s humble.
What is love? It’s the something I want to know. Not the definition. Maybe the feeling. Plus the feeling of loving, romantically, and being loved back. What are relationships? When are you mature enough to say anything about love? How can it be made easier to let someone be part of your life> How can it be easier to love more than the other person and give a lot of yourself without expecting anything in return? How do you stay in the presence of God? How do you keep good relationships? How to you find the right people to stay friends with? How is it to feel less eager? How do you take love, though not in the form you give but receive otherwise, and make something of it? I would spend time with him as much as I would want if there weren’t any other relationships to worry about losing. I would but good I didn’t say it because he’s heard a lot of promises. I personally don’t like them.
Anyway the challenge is to make something of myself. Here’s one person who loves me, not the kind of love I would like but love none the less. Here’s one person who understands me, understands a lot of people actually. Someone who gets that I hug because I can’t voice out apologies. Someone who gets that I write because I can’t say anything out loud. Someone who gets that I don’t like serious conversations about my feelings. Both parties intending to just be real, to be without masks.
Loud music to tune out the remaining feelings and to wake me up to do school work and pass the exam in the morning.
Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
Sa mga malabo ang paningin.
Mangyari lamang na tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
Habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad
Na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.
Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli
Ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto’t diwata.
Mangyari lamang na tumayo ang nagmahal, minahal at iniwan
Ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
Nang maging makahulugan ang mga paghahagulhol sa dilim.
At sa mga nanatiling nakaupo
Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis
Palabas sa nakangangang pinto
Umuwi na kayo!
At sumbatan ang mga magulang
Na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw.
At sa lahat ng mga nakaiwang nakatayo
Mangyari lamang na hagkan ang isa’t isa
At yakapin ang mga sugatan
Mabuhay tayong lahat
Na nagsisikap makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
Manatiling masaya at higit sa lahat
Magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.